ZALIENT ZUFFER

Fraught with heartbreak,

Shorn of high-stakes,

Re-born after all the cheap-stakes,the mistakes,

Gone is the corn that made the bad flake,

I heard Porn was the wont of the singer Drake,

None is the morn i haven't wished i won new sweepstakes,

For every dawn of each morn birth a slew of aches,

The warning goes "Horn before you overtake!"

Dud horn,my heart gets worn and torn like my Grand-pa's brakes,

She said i was born a milksop yet she comes back and calls me a milkshake,

Who says worn shall my heart be if i don't forgive her mistakes?

Lorn love,

Love-lorn,

Forlorn,

For too long,

Taut with odium,

For her love was an opium,

Copius like sodium,

Sedating like valium,

In my book of love she was the exordium,

But too swift was her dismount from the podium,

Bone of my bone,

She knew how to flare my erogenous zones,

Pair became lone,

My pear lost the shape of a cone,

She left the pine-cone for the fir-cone,

...Left the bitter crumbs for the buttered scone.

On the streets of regret i've strode,

Where cul-de-sacs never turn into roads,

These anger and angst they corrode!

"Marts art not lasting art again"  i was told,

...My friend fate sometimes blows hot and sometimes cold,

Kismet* deservedly struck after i left Kenny out in the cold,

My heart became ice-cold,

Ice-cold 'cause my love had fled my household,

My eyes told of a dove that had fled its fold,

(Sighs in retrospect),How i thought i had struck gold!

So when the rice gets cold,

And the bread begets mould,

And you begin to ponder "This JayJ sef don dey old!"

"He just dey dull like gizmo wey get bad node!"

"Shey hin machismo don implode?!"

"Abi hin liver don fold?!"

Better know there are unheard tales to be told!

In the stead of my heart is an ice-box,

Come into this icebox and ignite your firewox,

If your ex was a "Flock" imma be your "Mozilla Firefox",

Even my flock know i'm no "Godzilla"  i'm just a lil' red fox,

So come be my cheerleader and i'll be your "REDSOX"

Lemme  be your black Andre Flintoff,

Lemme be your black fast bowler,

Our clothes we'll fling off,

like we ain't got time for a cold shower,

Our brains we'll f**k off,

till we sleep off like we had a hangover,

I'll water your gardens,tend your flower,be your landmower,

I'll be your T-Rex,play with me jo,even if i'm a dinosaur,

I'll be your Range-Rover,never tire,even if i'm mired in the lack of a spare tyre,

I'll keep in range,make you see not this rover as a liar,

I'll be your teacher,make you call me "Jayj my very own friar"

You the fig,I the fir,

We might decide to lig,or we could just go to a fair,

You might not dig 'cause my intentions might not be clear,

I'll throw a gig,once you tell me my kids you shall bear,

A girlie bundle thats big,a boy to be my heir,

I'll never eat pig,i'll never shave-off my beard,:-)

I'll stay off cig,i'll stay off beer,

As long as you're here,

Year after year after year,

The steed and his mare,there'll be no fairer pair,

Come into my lair,cause a stair,

Even where deers wouldn't dare,

I seek not the sweet moistness of what lies *downstairs*,

Nor do i delight in the twin tenderness that lie *upstairs*,

Hope glimmers slim,but i hope you shall come here,

Rest on this vast,vested chest but pardon the hair,

And i'll teach you that even if life is sometimes unfair,

LIFE CAN STILL BE FULL OF FLAIR.

Kismet* :-The Will of Allah.

ENCRYPTED:-"Without being overtly zactimonious,this zinderella still manages to be zacrosanct. She's the heart,she's fuchsia,and she's the firmament.Her venerated highness is the fair maiden that makes my cheeks flush a deep-red upon gaze".GOODLUCK AS YOU DECRYPT.

JayJ™ 2010 ©

(Insert term for Boredom-stricken OSU-Boy here).

Ok peeps! Here I go. I started to write this exactly 7days ago. 7days later and I'm still scribbling. Nepa, then gen and it's ugly repairer (Boda Semiu)have largely been responsible. It's not funny. I barely know where I'm headed, as I'm with  with not much of a direction, but e sure me sey I no go lost. The dosage of boredom is high, I've been doing lots of random thinking lately. Very boring, annoying, random musings I shouldn't even be putting on paper. OGD's not been helping matters you know, so it doesn't hurt if I decide to run my head a bit- at least it's my head. So yes! Let's do this. **clears throat**. Public Announcement eyin temi; I've found a new love! Hol' on a min guys, 'cos I see so many peeps halting and I see so many eyes popping! Yes! I tell ya, I'm one helluva lucky ass bearded pimple-faced mo'fucka! Me, as in emi JayJ lasanlasan, finally manages to pull off a stunt which will definitely get y'all rabble-rousers some gossip time. Hehe! "Hello female reader(s), how many of y'all are feeling burnt presently 'cos of my proclamation?"  I see so many sad faces.**Now counting**, 1...13..64, 108 556..907. Choi! Una go fia confession o! Hey easy on me peeps. It's not my fault really is it? I asked out a dozen of y'all out last year, but na soso kpangolo jero forming una dey form. Eyin oniranu jatijati, now it's paining you people that I've found a love abi? When somebody was toasting you why were you forming nonsense activity? Even one razz Ikenne Indigine sef I toasted last year was forming fine gal. Ehh! You people can imagine o! Irritating ifo-so-mi-doyinbo Yoruba-hammering local Ijebu champion like her, The geh sef was just doing anyhow, like I was disSTOPing her (in the idiot's gbagaunnistic world of ijebu lingua o)-Chai! I've downgraded mysef gan o! That's how I finally said 'enough is enough' that me sef must find sombori anywhich way. As in, at a point P, I was just wondering if na swear dem swear gimme. Ok lemme berra shetup here. E don do, before sonbori's vagina explodes outta frustration at my confession. You sef shouldav just use style to inbox me or DM me that whenever you see me your brain is always doing you sonhow. ;p. Sha don't kobalise me, if you're still evxing at me you can like to gaan pack your broken vajayjay to 'Oga plumber' to help you 'pump' it back, because this JayJ here is not looking back.

Ahem! So this my new love ehn, her name na Twitter o! Hahahahaha! See your ugly faces all disfigured with shock! E faraburuku bale jo. You berra sherrup ur dirry stinking mouths. As if you didn't want to drink Otapiapia when you heard that JayJ has found new love. "Fimile Facebook fimile, mi o she mo Facebook fimile". **Now dancing..em..em that @wizkidayo'ss dance..Is it jerk? @darkhunkIII remind me nah?** Hehe, "Moraks you know see sey Wizkid no reply that our RT? E go fear that biabia wey dey my avatar nah". Oh! Pardon my manners FACEBOOKERS, I thought me and my boy were on our thing. "Oya Moraks CYDM"! Haha! See their clueless faces. When you people sef wi not give yoursef brain and step up. Mscheeew! You can like to stop reading this note and go back to your boring notifs. and'pokes' jo. Even God sef is on Twitter, he's following me and @mizztosin but I think he's blocked that @Herroyalgaganess! o_0! Haha! Y'all are just plain boring people. See them. Unar wan talk?! If I hear? I can't imagine what my life would be without Twitter, e go just bitter. Hehe. Unar go fia rhymes nah. For instance now I remember Last Sunday a.m when I woke up to meet a new TT (TT is short for Trending Topic). How many things will I have to start explaining to you this people sef? Wo, eyin le mo jo! It's now a generally known fact that the average FACEBOOker IQ is like 60. What am I saying sef? 60 ke? 50 jo! Yes 50! That's why you people always carry last in everything. I kukuma dinot know how this note was going to turn out before sef, so I've decided to share some small entertainment with you people beebee. But you'll wait first o, lemme gaan rinse this my Eba&pepper hand before I gaan mistakenly put the hand in my kokoro.#okbye, So where were we? There's something we do on Twitter called a TT (TrendingTopic) ,where everybody 'trends' a topic(the TT) by talking about it for a certain period of time. So last Sunday TT was something called #wecanallagreethat , and tweeps(twitterpeeps) had a real go at it. Now I know your life must prolly be a 'borehole' (It's a pun, I mean BOREhole as in BORing hole before you people start opening your Facebook dictionaries again. So here's some of MY VERY own #wecanallagreethat tweets which I tweeted on Sunday. Note that they are very original and I composed them myself, any semblance to anything you've seen before is purely coincidental. I couldn't remember all , so I added a few stuff more 'cos it's now 1:11am 23/1/11 and I still can't sleep. Pardon my typos and #gbagauns too. I'm only human, and I'm not even thinking of proofreading this. So peeps, here goes...

TAKE IT!...


#wecanallagreethat #wecanallagreethat is a boring TT.

#wecanallagreethat today is a Sunday.

#wecanallagreethat mosta y'all aren't tweeting from the church pews.

#wecanallagreethat the average Facebooker IQ is 60, that's why they always carry last in everything.

#wecanallagreethat if you still have Twitter's default egg as your avatar, then you're an EGGhead.

#wecanallagreethat Konga is Satan's attempt at music by appearing in human form.

#wecanallagreethat we've all wanted to tell our Dads 'FUCK YOU JO' at some points in our lives.

#wecanallagreethat 'Otapiapia' is better than 'flit'.

#wecanallagreethat Labe Orun is Nigeria's version of LarryKingLive.

#wecanallagreethat God wasted time and mud by creating OGD. That guy shoulda just been a 'voter's card'.

#wecanallagreethat there's an even greater use of the cough syrup than just treating cough.

#wecanallagreethat If you don't 'berry', you don't 'phone'.

#wecanallagreethat some girls have the power to mess in AUTOTUNE. That way, you'll always mistake their mess for a Malizia Uomo spray.

#wecanallagreethat Hon Patrick Obahiagbon has a readymade VIP bedspace in Yabaleft. Cc @Un_FollowMe

#wecanallagreethat Patience Jonathan is a definition of #gbagaun on autopilot.

#wecanallagreethat if 2 or more girls are in an avatar/picture, the uglier chic definitely owns the profile.

#wecanallagreethat 'VulGanizer' and 'Of which' are englishwords #madeinnigeria

RT @abroberts05: #wecanallagreethat RuggedyBaba really fucked toni payne

#wecanallagreethat Facebook is a social networking retirement facility for the old-brained, stiff and trendless.

#wecanallagreethat Most of the white people ffing(following) us are 'yahoobois' who are now on Twitter after finishing match.com and mate1

#wecanallagreethat BabaFryo is now a 'Special adviser to Fashola on FAILURE and UGLY PEOPLE'

#wecanallagreethat to 'mess' is HUMAN, but to 'menstruate' is femiNINE.

#wecanallagreethat If you travel to SouthAfrica, you've not yet travelled 'abroad'.

#wecanallagreethat Twitter breeds too much FAMZing and deyderism.

#wecanallagreethat BabaSuwe is Nollywood's retarded answer to Eddie Murphy.

#wecanallagreethat even if Nkiru Sylvanus uses a tipper of VIM to brush, she'll still have brown teeth.

#wecanallagreethat If TerryG and Vic-O do an exam together, they'll BOTH carry last together.

#wecanallagreethat if English language was human, it woulda killed Mr. Bisuga.

#wecallagreethat the rate at which a girl's BEAUTYful voice tickles your prick is not in any way directly proportional to her BEAUTY.

#wecanallagreethat our very own Asa is English Language's perfect example of a palindrome

#wecallagreethat Sex is best when it's with a ex.

#wecanallagreethat Wizkid really stole 'Holla at your boy'.

#wecanallagreethat YOU'RE VERY STUPID FOR READING THIS TO THE END!

JayJ™ © 2011

SOMNILOQUISM

He scours the scar un-end,

No succour in the end,

The scourge becomes history,

"his-story",

Far from gory,

Yet set in dark stones of memory,

His heart, heavey, heavy,a dead-man's chest,

Ardous, daunting, like his mid-semester tests.



Fear grips him, incongrously bogey,

Yet it's not lack of money,

He's heart's wired, plunged in a mire..

Dire consequences, its an unending vortex,

He solemnly hopes for that beyond; the vertex,

Unforthcoming it is, his ego peels off like nail cortex,

Much-maligned, he endures the spite,

Seeking respite,he gets none,

Not even in his favourite bottle of sprite.



He snaps, bewildered by the bogus hocus-pocus,

In soliloquy... "I wont loose focus"..

"I wont be riled,lest I be called puerile",

"I prolly even have more wile and guile".

"So why can't I emerge top-of-the-pile?

"I've been too far too benign o, this is the beginning jo!"




Seeks he for that,

Meek be that heart,

That he may once again shame the coterie minority,

Tame the doubting Thomases,

Besmirch the libellous "anti-JayJs'",

And smirk in mockery at the boomeranged slander,

Feel the ounces once again,

Beset in the weights of love,

Then cloves dried and a-wilting,

Now clovers sprung in three tree-ey branches,

Creepy,eerie,fiery...

Steadfast and undeterred,

Like a hungry retard eager to eat breakfast,

Codein to drain the pain,

That love shall sift through his veins again,

That the raft shall rift no more,

Adrift, bereft of gift,

That SHE be the lift, the albatross,

The opiate and the poison,

The prayer and the curse,

The zenith and the nadir,

The pain, the gain...





JayJ™ © 2009

PayBox

PayBox

Zynopsis

Many,Zany,
Are these cravings that feud my deepest fears,
Food that shall take me through the years,
Stop the brood,stave off the tears,
Bread,that which i'll toast and maybe get a yeZ,
If only my wish were a horse,
Then i'd gladly feed this fish to my cause,
My muse be a lady,
We fuse...we'll make many a fine baby.:-).
This is no ruse to snare me-lady,
Lest you be quick to abuse and declare malady,
My mouth hath not been gagged,
I'm just shirking the trite and the over-used,
So if you've been tagged,
I expect you to be bright and not get confused.


...My thoughts i sieve,time nigh to get pensive,
Her Beauty borders on the delusive,
Even so,this brother mutters "Hmmn Impressive"
I've never seen Beauty so comprehensive,
Been thus totally possesive,as it be utterly compulsive,
My neurons tick-over,i get that impulsive,
This moron flicks the cover,i rubber-neck into the pensieve,
I seek the permissive,what i get is repulsive,
"She's capital-intensive,but how come i didn't perceive?"
(Grunt!) "So she's expensive" ,I start to get apprehensive,
Like an hypertensive my blood rockets!,
One brazen look into her eye-sockets,
Tells me my order's taller than a dozen sky-rockets!


But i will even if i have to bath her moppets,
...Cook her gourmets,wash her corsets,:-D
...clear the thicket,wash her closet,
Empty the waste baskets,fill the water buckets,
Fix burnt sockets,mend the car gasket,
Teach her ballet,spend week-ends in a chalet,
I'll wear her in my locket,take her to the puppets,
I'll carry around a musket,write her a sonnet,
If Kendra had met me she mighn't have married hunk Hank Baskett,
Dear Reader "Make you sha no talk sey my head no correct!"
'Cause these are true love's etiquettes.:-)


I seek her as my Alhaja and me her Alhaji,
We'll build a ranch in Ajah and have lots of Faaji,
I no go lie even if i branch go smoke *Eja*  for Itafaji,:-)
See me not as a punk even if my hair-style is punk,
I won't *funk*  you believe me i'm not trying to punk you,
I won't open your legs and try to eat your junk,
I won't grab your kegs and try to spew my spunk,
Walahi  i'm soooooo love-drunk,
I decide to buy a frock that reads "Love-struck",
Like our chords have struck...(I wish),
I chew the cud,"Hmmn,all roads lead to self-destruct!"


Thoughts still clustered,
"She might not buy this o!" but still i won't get flustered,
I admit Luck could smile on me in just  a teeny-weeny tad,
'Cause rough is the flight of this bustard,
And she likes not boys that sag the jeans in which their butts are clad,
But i hope she'll  like this ballad even if she loathes the bard,
Hard is this task more-so that i'm now a grad,:-) :-(
But some chics are like tampons are some are like pads,
So take my word "This chic pass Ogi* this one na Custard!"
As my ink runneth dry of the seed of mustard,
Wry is only the smile that can be mustered,
"'Tis a battle to be fought",my butterflies unison in flutter,
"Lessons have been taught",my heart has found another  reason to totter,
Even my coffer spills-over of tots of her,
I could Spill over because of her!.:-D

"Jay-Z"...My muse be a lady,
We fuse...we'll make many a fine baby.:-)."

JayJ ™ 2010 ©